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Recently it’s been brought to my attention that people don’t know what the f*ck they are doing in the sack. I have had both my girl and guy friends complain that the people they are hooking up with are completely lost. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND; IT’S NOT THAT HARD.

If you are nervous about hooking up with someone you really like because you think you’re bad in bed, GO GET SOME PRACTICE. Grab your friends, take some shots, and go to a bar. If you’re a girl it’s probably not going to be that hard to find someone to sleep with you. If you are a guy, well plaster on that fake smile, buy a girl a drink, and tell her she’s skinny. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am!

Get drunk enough to lose all your inhibitions and just go for it. Ask questions; tell your partner what you want and how you want it. LIVE A LITTLE. Do not be afraid to be vocal, this will only increase both people’s pleasure. You want your hair pulled? Ask for it. You want it harder? Tell them.

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Bitches love being told what to do. This isn’t a silent movie, make some Goddamn noise and let me know you’re awake. Sometimes you may need to call in reinforcements, whether that is another person or some toys. Always keep it interesting.

THIS IS NOT SOUTH AMERICA IT AIN’T ALL ABOUT MISSIONARY!

My first piece of advice is MOVE YOUR GODDAMN BODY. Ain’t nobody got time for a dead fish who just lays there and expects to be pleased. This basically is a guarantee that whomever you’re f**cking isn’t going to come back for seconds.

Ladies, how hard is it to move your damn hips??? And men, it is not your time to finish unless your woman has finished AT LEAST twice. And if for some reason you can’t hold out that long, well it’s your tongue’s time to get to work.

If this isn’t someone you love stop f*ccking staring in their eyes. This is really awkward when we’re trying to picture someone else. The second we make eye contact, it’s doggy from there on out.

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I am sick and tired of hearing how self-conscious girls are about being on top. Your man doesn’t give a sh*t about your thighs when you’re riding his dick and neither should you! He doesn’t care if you look better on top or bottom; all he cares about is cumming.

Let’s look at what my favorite man Katt Williams has to say on the topic, “Ladies, stop tripping on shit that don’t even motherf*cking matter. Never in the history of ni**adom has a ni**a been getting ready to have sex with a woman and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn’t match. Not never.”

Let’s talk about morning sex. If you’re dumb enough to stick around for a sleepover, you better be prepared to do it again in the morning. Let’s be honest though, who doesn’t want to start their day climaxing? If you’re going to have morning sex there’s no time to brush your teeth, so keep some gum and water by the bedside.

Chances are you are waking up sober, so the blurry performance of last night is a distant memory. You need to give this person something to remember you by and wanting more.

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Okay, say you don’t want to stick around for some post-coital bullsh*t, how do you master the art of the sneak out? An undisclosed friend of mine told me about this fantastic car service called Uber. This is crucial these days because you can order a car, get dressed quickly and quietly, and have the car already waiting for you when you come down.

In times of desperation you may have to leave a pair of underwear or some sh*t behind, but that’s just a war casualty. LEAVE IT AND PEACE. Your goal is to get the hell out of there as fast as humanly possible without waking your conquest.

Honestly, there is no excuse to be bad in bed. Practice makes perfect, so when in doubt just keep on practicing!

– Via Elite Daily